Sorry For the Things I Said When I Was Anxiously Attached

For the last few weeks, nearly every conversation I've had has ended with me telling someone to read Secure by Amir Levine.

This is Levine’s follow-up to Attached (co-written with Rachel Heller), which blew my world open about 10 years ago. For the first time, I had language for the thoughts, fears, and patterns that seemed to dominate my dating experiences. I’m finding his latest book to be equally as profound, and it’s a worthy read for anyone, because even if you are secure (congrats!), it can help you navigate relationships with the people in your life who do struggle with insecure attachment styles. 

Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, wrote this new book to answer the question he’s been asked more than any other throughout his career: “How do I become secure?” 

But this time, Levine's focus extends beyond dating. Secure is about the entire community we build around us—from friendships and family to colleagues. Every relationship creates an opportunity to cultivate greater security because attachment wounds don't just show up in romantic partnerships—they can surface in any interpersonal relationship. One of the book's central frameworks is CARRP (Consistent, Available, Reliable, Responsive, Predictable), a tool for evaluating the relationships in our lives so we can build a secure, deeply connected community. Levine says that connectedness is one of the most important factors for our health, both body and mind. 

Over the last two years, as I’ve turned a major corner in my own attachment healing, I still struggle with finding compassion for the part of me that didn’t know better and the impact it had on the people around me. This book speaks to that part of me.